Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice
Director: Zak Snyder
Cast: Ben Afleck, Henry Cavill, Jesse Eisenberg, Gal Gadot, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter
Running Time: 151 mins
Rating: * 150 Minutes Too Long
Oh, Hurrah … another Comic Book movie. After The Avengers and Star Wars, how can have movie goers lasted almost an entire week without one? This time at least, on the face of it and judging by the title, this is something fans can get their teeth into, as well, given that it is arguably the two hottest properties in the genre that are to be pitted head-to-head in a winner take all battle: Batman vs Superman … brilliant. Kind of like Fischer vs Karpov or Spassky in the 70s, or Kramer vs Kramer, but with capes and stuff, right?
Wrong. Kramer vs Kramer is a classic, never to date cinematic masterpiece that rightly won five Academy Awards and plaudits across the globe. Fischer vs Karpov or Spassky had the Cold War world’s breath baited to see who would Rook Off first (that’s a chess joke, by the way) and so win cultural dominance.
Batman vs Superman will win nothing but derision, scorn and dishonour mixed with not a little wrath from those – myself included – who had hoped that the SH genre had finally come of age with movies such as Iron Man and the fantastic Christopher Nolan triumvirate of Bat Flix. Not so, it seems.
This barely needs mentioning but surely a prerequisite of any film is to include, ahem, a story? You know, something to follow? This pile of Kryptons***e seems to have foregone that requirement, however, in favour of … actually, it’s hard to tell in favour of what, because what the 151 minutes consists of makes Terminator Genisys (Oh, there’s another match up that actually beats this one – Alien vs Predator) look eloquent, sophisticated and interesting and that’s saying one hell of a lot.
Okay so the visuals are nice, but that’s it. Nice. So nice, in fact, even the Bat Car looks like a converted SUV, whereas Superman’s here today gone tomorrow “whoosh” sounds exactly like a Dyson carpet shampooer in preheat mode.
Are there any saving graces? Jeremy Irons is pretty cool and laid back as Alfred and Holly Hunter plays a superb hand as Senator Finch. So what the hell two such glorious actors are doing signing up for this is anybody’s guess. Other than the wages, of course, and the fact that there’s so little acting either of them have to do, given that their parts are so tremulously thin they could probably take four days off between filming their scenes and still be finished in Week One.
And how many times exactly can Amy Adams’ Lois Lane be saved in one movie without being ditched by her bloke (Clark/Superpants) for being far too much hard work?? Superman even breaks off from fighting the CGI manifested slab of lard he’s got to defeat for the sake of humanity, just because “Scoop” Lane nearly drowns. What happened to the life of one being exchanged for the life of millions etc.?
And please don’t me started on the introduction of Wonder Woman but suffice to say it received a hefty guffaw from the audience. Such is its clichéd, plastic depthlessness, this may well do for Gal Gadot’s career exactly what Grease 2 did for Michelle Pfeiffer: that is to say very nearly end it.
So if all of this this appears a little harsh, I apologise because, in all honesty, having just read it back, it isn’t harsh enough. Indeed, the only reason it can be argued that this was released at Easter and not Christmas is because … Okay, you finish the punch line because I’ve had my fill of formulas for one day.
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